YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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