Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
