happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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