Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He kissed a someone with a penis
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
