he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
