So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
