just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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