just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
