pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
