I wish I could punch you in the face.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
