I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
