Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
