I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
