Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
