She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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