I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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