Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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