my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
