He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
