i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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