I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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