you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
