Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
