well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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