You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
