it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
