Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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