It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
