It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
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I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
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Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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