There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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