I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
