at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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