I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i need to put some appletini on your dick
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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