she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Randomize
