oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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