I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
