u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
