He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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