I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
