I'm so fucking centered right now
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
