I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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