I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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