I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
