I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
