Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
