so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
