how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
