Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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