He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
