i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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