she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
