he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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