May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
