textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
