I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
