apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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