and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
