Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
