How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
