I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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